Meet Carter

Grieving…IT’S PERSONAL!

As we approach the two month mark since we lost our boy, I’ve learned a lot about my friends, my family, my wife, and my self. The one thing that stands out, is everyone handles grief differently. Some handle it internally, some externally. Some handle it with emotions, some are stoic. Some handle it bad, some good. Some decide to handle it, some don’t. The fact is that grief is personal. It’s born from within and normally develops within ones psychy until one day…BLAM!  It’s released or better yet revealed, kind of like a second personality in a schizo’. It consumes you and takes over your existing personality. It’s wierd because it seems to create thoughts of hate, doubt, fear, guilt, loneliness, anger, suicide, helplessness, and most of all darkness. Some would say that these are all evil in nature, and thoughts like this are unhealthy, but ironically we have to go through grief to heal. You know when grief reaveals it self, it’s normally due to a life changing, monumentally bad frickin’ time in one’s life that is associated with loss…you would think that to overcome that loss that you would immediately feel a sense of love, happiness, warmth, etc… to get you through an already dark time. NO! greif comes out and consumes you and if you can make it through the darkness…well let’s just say what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger!

Grief is so personal, that other people don’t have the right to tell you how to handle your grief… PERIOD! You must battle it alone, no matter how bad you want to believe that you are not alone, you are. Don’t get me wrong, hopefully the ones who love you will be there to bring you out of the darkness at times, but the battle continues and at this point I just don’t know when it will end. Personally, my grief is the size of a gorilla on steroids who played Major League Baseball in the late 90’s, and he is really whacking the hell out of the ball directly into my mid-section (if that makes sense).  Luckily some people nicknamed me the Silverback and this old ape isn’t going down without a fight.

Yea… personally, I choose to fight!

LOVE YOU BOO!

Everything Reminds Me of You…Boo!

It’s so hard to let go! To think that for as long as I live I won’t be able to hold you in my arms again is so hard to fathom. You were everything to me, you were my life, and then you were gone. Everyday I wish for your strength because my grief of loosing you, makes me think about you more than ever. It’s amazing how many things in a day remind me of you. Unfortunately these are memories now…and some our very painful, but I am trying to think of our joyful times (I ask you for the strength little Boo to help me think of the joyful times more please)… the little boys I see out with their dads & moms; a Jack Johnson song; a diaper commercial; the smell of baby wipes; your swing in the backyard; your little Poo bear; my mom; your mom; our house; your clothes; your toys; your pictures; your voice; your smell; friends having babies; friends with babies; the sound of an abulance siren; blue eyes; beautiful smiles; playing ball; your dogs Oz & “Barkie”; Sundays (they will never be the same); football; kisses; crying; car seats; strollers…. I guess what I am trying to say is that I think about you every day, every hour, every minute, every second…. I can only tell you again how much I miss you and again how much I love you… I hope that I will be able to turn this love and expressions of gratitude for the joy that you brought me the past three years into something that will make you proud of me… for right now I am a little lost without you. Daddy Love You Boo! 

Our Little Warrior Video

I put this together for Carter’s service.  I’ve been meaning to post this for sometime, finally got to it.

My Baby Blue Lyrics

I wanted to post these beautiful lyrics to the song by Dave Matthews “My Baby Blue”. The first time I heard this song I thought he created this song for me. I knew immediately that I would hear this song at my son’s service…I love and miss you so much, that I just can’t stand it!!!! I would do anything to hold my Boo again and hear him say “Dada!” again. Trying to find the strength to move forward, but its so hard to move forward when all you want to do is go backwards.

My Baby Blue by Dave Matthews…

Confess your kiss
Still knocks me off my legs.
The first time I saw you
Was like a punch right through my chest.

I will forever, ’cause you forever be,
My one true broken heart.
Pieces inside of me.
And you forever, baby.

You will, rest your head,
Your strength won’t save anything.
When you wake, you will fly away
Holding tight to the legs of all your angles.

Goodbye my love,
Into your blue, blue eyes.
Your blue, blue world.
You’re my baby blue.

Come fast I’m not quite
Ready to be left.
Still I know I gave my love all the best.
You give, you give to this I can attest.

You made me, you made me,
You and me forever baby.
You will rest your head.
Your strength won’t save me.
And when you wake,
You will fly away
Holding tight to the legs of all your angels.

Goodbye, my love.
Into your blue, blue eyes,
In your blue, blue world.

You and me forever.

“You and me forever”  We love you Boo!

Time Travel…

If I could reverse time...

I would go back to the day you were born.

I would go to every day you smiled and showed me your baby blue eyes.

I would take that extra day off to be with you.

If I could erase time…

I would erase all the memories of you in pain.

I would erase all the memories I have with out you.

I would erase all the times my anger of your illness made me blind

for special uniqueness of life and love you brought to us.

If I could change the past…

I guess I wouldn’t.

Because you were brought here for a reason….

to be you…My Boo, an earthly angel of love, strength, courage and inspiration.

No matter the Time we spent together it was special to me, and forever will be.

My Boo…. Daddy Loves You!

A Celebration of Life!

We will be celebrating Carter’s life on Friday, December 11th @ 11am at Cherry Hills Community Church (www.chcc.org) and would love if everyone could attend. He has touched the lives of so many as many have touched ours as well. A reception with food and drink will follow. Thank you to Justin Spicer of Denver United Church for all that he has done….. www.denverunited.com   this will be the best celebration of life ever!

Tiny Angels

Tiny Angels
Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear….
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren’t here for very long….
Why is it, you couldn’t stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
“These things I do not know….
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so”.

I love you Boo so much… my heart aches more and more each day. I wish you were here!

Daddy!

My Little “Boo” You’ve Gained Your Wings 10/31/2006 - 12/6/2009

It is with a very sad and heavy heart that I am writing this post to you all today. Last night, around 5:30pm, my little angel “Boo” gained his wings. After a wonderful day of watching the Broncos kick Kansas City’s butt with my little buddy, Carter gave his winning exclamation cheer …”GO Broncos!” its the first time I heard Carter say this and say it so clearly. He too was excited to finally win a game in Kansas City in December. Shortly after the game and after Carter awoke from a little afternoon nap on my chest. We thought it was time for bath time.  “Bath”, “Bath” he kept saying, he loved to take a bath and it was the first time I had given him a bath in a long time since I am always working during the weeks. So after his bath we got cuddled up to watch his favorite Little Einsteins… he loved this particular episode… you know the one with Hansel & Gretel?  I can hear it right now… “Hansel Gretel don’t you worry, we are coming in a hurry”   he loved this episode so much the smile and excitement it brought to him made us laugh so hard!  After a few showings of this it was time for bed…. And as I went to put him down to bed…. he looked at me in the eyes and made a large grasp of air and then went limp…. As Deni was calling 911, I was trying to give him CPR, he came to once and I thought I was going to pull him out of what ever was happening to him.  Unfortunately what was happening to him was he was getting his calling to move on to do good and care and bring inspiration to a larger audience.  His I-Cell disease had weakened his small body, but not his soul, his mind nor his ability to bring so much joy to all that had known him.  I might be greedy, but I am having a hard time realizing he is gone and having a real hard time sharing him with all that need him. He was our entire world.  We cared for him night and day in return he brought a joy to us that we only wish others could have from their own children.  He was a courageous warrior who had strength of a million men and I only hope that in this time I can have a millionth of that strength, as we are now alone, in body, we will forever be bound by spirit.   Carter, please know that I will always love you and I can’t wait to meet you in heaven so I can finally hear you tell me that you love me too. You are forever missed.

Carter’s New Puppy… Sir Charles Barkley

Carter got a brand new puppy for his 3rd Birthday, which was Halloween.  He is a Yorki-poo!  Barkley has been really good to Carter and he has been having a fun time with him….here is a little video from his first day with him.

Forgive Me While I Take A Breath!

Well, it’s been a while since I have been here and I’m sure most of you have lost interest, thinking I have as well. Well that couldn’t be farther from the truth. The fact is the past few months have been a roller coaster ride of good and bad times. I’ve had so much on my mind I’ve had even a problem putting it down on paper, let alone on the blog.  The F**king economy finally made  stop here in Denver and all the hard work we put into my job i-amTV came crashing down when the company was acquired by California company, NTN Buzztime, and with a fizzle…i-amTV was no more and so was my job. This was a tough pill to swallow (unlike all the other pills).  I found myself with a major confidence issue, not only with myself, but my work experience was all over the place. Where was I going to find a job that with a marketing/media sales background (probably the two worst hit job markets just outside of Real Estate and Car Sales…hmm what to do?)  How about I go sell some cars? Thanks to my brother, John, I found myself pimpin new Hondas at one of the best Honda dealerships in Denver, Kuni Honda (www.kuni-honda.com)! And to say the least, I am really digging it. (HERE COMES SHAMELESS PLUG.. .If you know of anyone looking to buy a car, you now have a place to send them or bring yourself!) Of course I started in August, the best month the car industry has had in years and it was great, but with good comes  a little bad and like a Kick ass New Year’s Eve party comes one hell of a hang over on New Year’s Day…and that would be the month of September in the car business.  But I feel that I have entered a great opportunity in my life to learn something new, get world class sales experience and just work my ass off (60+ hrs a week).  So that has been a snapshot of where I have been.  How about my little Boo and Deni.  Carter and Deni have been loving time together and both have stepped up their game, while I am off at work.  I am sad I don’t get to see them both as much as I used to, but in a way I think this new challenge is good for us all.  There are going to be struggles, but we continue to forge on, as we must.

Carter has been doing good. He had a little bump in the road that led us to a couple of nights in the hospital (damn colds), but he powered through and so did we, as we must.  I am really proud at how he has been getting a little stronger and here is a really fun video of him taking some of his first steps in his walker….