Meet Carter

Hunt-er-roni a San Francisco Treat!

A few more weeks go by and I feel like a lifetime of change as come and gone and momentum lost and gained again, but still find myself lost trying frantically to reach the top of a falling rope ladder that has is just about to come loose from the side of the cliff. With each rung, I grasp….grasp…grasp….only to find myself amazingly no where near the top. (good news: it seems to be attached to something). Ninety days has come and gone since Boo left his world to go play in the garden of god or become a strong, persistent, “Koa” of a whale in the ocean or has found his soul resurrected in a new body here on earth to help spread joy and happiness to more… I just never, never, never will know. I like to think it has a little bit to do with all three so maybe that is what’s good for me to believe? You, know to help me reach the top of the falling ladder?

See the passing of a love one will do that to you, make you think, maybe make you think to much?  See i think it makes you think too much about yourself!  Let me tell you something there is a fiiiiine line to “learning” about yourself and “thinking” about yourself. I’ve done a lot of both… the problem with that is you sometime forget about others…sometime even about the one you are grieving for.

So over the last month I started to realize I learned a few things about myself  like…. I’m stronger than I thought, but much weaker than you think.     I really think that i could of been a pretty good car salesman, just at a different time in my life.      I miss my son and he was everything to me.         I was a great dad.  I surrounded myself with an amazing core of people, including my wife, family and friends (especially  my wife, who I would of fallen much harder if it wasn’t for her).

Also over the last month I thought about me a lot… here is what I thought and am thinking…. I think about what other people think too much.   I think that I might be loosing touch on who I am anymore because I think i don’t know what to do with my life with out my son.     I think I don’t know what the hell i am writing about half the time I write on this blog anymore? I think this is helping me? I think, I think, I think life would be much better if you didn’t think about yourself so much.

Hmmmmmmmmm……….Hmmmmmmmmmmm…….WOW………………..when I think about it….. I think I might have just made a little sense…… just a sec, let me think abou………. ooooohhhhh.. you know what I am trying to say!

So what to do when you don’t want to think any more?     Go out and get a new job and take a roadtrip!

Yea that’s right, I quit my job where self thinking was a job requirement and went back to what I know and can do well… mingle and be social, how do you do that, well through fine intervention (thanks Boo).  I found a new job managing at a very successful restaurant downtown, called Marlowe’s and am working with some old friends. It’s been a bit of a change, but all for the good and I am excited to have this wonderful opportunity.

So to celebrate, Deni and I decided to run off to San Francisco to see some old and very GOOD friends.  Deni got the chance to max and relax in a nice hotel with her good highschool friends, Alyssa and Simone… I on the other hand jetted across the bay to “Hang with the Hunter’s” Rachael, Jeff, James and of course “Little Lilly” it was a joy to hang out with them, I hadn’t seen them since shortly after Carter’s service and they are such very, very good people who always fill my life with well “life”   Hunter took me out on the town, and low and behold there was Jilly Mac and we watched us some great music, drank some beers and just let thoughts and time melt away, if only for a few days, it felt like an eternity. I just wanted to thank you all for hosting us both it was so much fun.   I wish i had some photos to post, but still one thing I haven’t been too hot on lately. I guess I don’t have much motivation to document this time in my life….at least not yet, but I think that will come soon.

With all good times, they must come to an end, and I’m not going to lie… coming back was hard, harder than it ever has coming back from a trip. I think there was some guilt and sorrow that brought me down a little harder…. but Im still working on that…until next time.

Remember…. Daddy and Mommyfizz love you Boo and misses you everyday!

Today is Rare Disease Day.

www.rarediseaseday.us
Mission:
Join the movement today and take action!

On the last day of February each year, the rare disease community comes together to raise awareness and celebrate our shared strength. NORD (National Organization for Rare Disorders) and our partner organizations proudly sponsor U.S. Rare Disease Day.

Some facts from NORD about rare diseases:

• A rare or “orphan” disease affects fewer than 200,000 people in the United States.

• There are more than 6,000 rare diseases.

• Approximately 30 million Americans (about 10%) are affected by a rare disease.

We all come together on Rare Disease Day to:

• Raise awareness about rare disease

• Champion research efforts toward development of new treatments

• Support provision of resources for patients and families

Together we can make a difference.
Alone we are rare. Together we are strong.

Take action Now:

Write Your Governor
http://www.rarediseaseday.us/rdd/take-action/write-your-governor/

Become a Partner
http://rarediseaseday.us/rdd/take-action/become-a-partner/

Grieving…IT’S PERSONAL!

As we approach the two month mark since we lost our boy, I’ve learned a lot about my friends, my family, my wife, and my self. The one thing that stands out, is everyone handles grief differently. Some handle it internally, some externally. Some handle it with emotions, some are stoic. Some handle it bad, some good. Some decide to handle it, some don’t. The fact is that grief is personal. It’s born from within and normally develops within ones psychy until one day…BLAM!  It’s released or better yet revealed, kind of like a second personality in a schizo’. It consumes you and takes over your existing personality. It’s wierd because it seems to create thoughts of hate, doubt, fear, guilt, loneliness, anger, suicide, helplessness, and most of all darkness. Some would say that these are all evil in nature, and thoughts like this are unhealthy, but ironically we have to go through grief to heal. You know when grief reaveals it self, it’s normally due to a life changing, monumentally bad frickin’ time in one’s life that is associated with loss…you would think that to overcome that loss that you would immediately feel a sense of love, happiness, warmth, etc… to get you through an already dark time. NO! greif comes out and consumes you and if you can make it through the darkness…well let’s just say what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger!

Grief is so personal, that other people don’t have the right to tell you how to handle your grief… PERIOD! You must battle it alone, no matter how bad you want to believe that you are not alone, you are. Don’t get me wrong, hopefully the ones who love you will be there to bring you out of the darkness at times, but the battle continues and at this point I just don’t know when it will end. Personally, my grief is the size of a gorilla on steroids who played Major League Baseball in the late 90’s, and he is really whacking the hell out of the ball directly into my mid-section (if that makes sense).  Luckily some people nicknamed me the Silverback and this old ape isn’t going down without a fight.

Yea… personally, I choose to fight!

LOVE YOU BOO!

Everything Reminds Me of You…Boo!

It’s so hard to let go! To think that for as long as I live I won’t be able to hold you in my arms again is so hard to fathom. You were everything to me, you were my life, and then you were gone. Everyday I wish for your strength because my grief of loosing you, makes me think about you more than ever. It’s amazing how many things in a day remind me of you. Unfortunately these are memories now…and some our very painful, but I am trying to think of our joyful times (I ask you for the strength little Boo to help me think of the joyful times more please)… the little boys I see out with their dads & moms; a Jack Johnson song; a diaper commercial; the smell of baby wipes; your swing in the backyard; your little Poo bear; my mom; your mom; our house; your clothes; your toys; your pictures; your voice; your smell; friends having babies; friends with babies; the sound of an abulance siren; blue eyes; beautiful smiles; playing ball; your dogs Oz & “Barkie”; Sundays (they will never be the same); football; kisses; crying; car seats; strollers…. I guess what I am trying to say is that I think about you every day, every hour, every minute, every second…. I can only tell you again how much I miss you and again how much I love you… I hope that I will be able to turn this love and expressions of gratitude for the joy that you brought me the past three years into something that will make you proud of me… for right now I am a little lost without you. Daddy Love You Boo! 

Our Little Warrior Video

I put this together for Carter’s service.  I’ve been meaning to post this for sometime, finally got to it.

My Baby Blue Lyrics

I wanted to post these beautiful lyrics to the song by Dave Matthews “My Baby Blue”. The first time I heard this song I thought he created this song for me. I knew immediately that I would hear this song at my son’s service…I love and miss you so much, that I just can’t stand it!!!! I would do anything to hold my Boo again and hear him say “Dada!” again. Trying to find the strength to move forward, but its so hard to move forward when all you want to do is go backwards.

My Baby Blue by Dave Matthews…

Confess your kiss
Still knocks me off my legs.
The first time I saw you
Was like a punch right through my chest.

I will forever, ’cause you forever be,
My one true broken heart.
Pieces inside of me.
And you forever, baby.

You will, rest your head,
Your strength won’t save anything.
When you wake, you will fly away
Holding tight to the legs of all your angles.

Goodbye my love,
Into your blue, blue eyes.
Your blue, blue world.
You’re my baby blue.

Come fast I’m not quite
Ready to be left.
Still I know I gave my love all the best.
You give, you give to this I can attest.

You made me, you made me,
You and me forever baby.
You will rest your head.
Your strength won’t save me.
And when you wake,
You will fly away
Holding tight to the legs of all your angels.

Goodbye, my love.
Into your blue, blue eyes,
In your blue, blue world.

You and me forever.

“You and me forever”  We love you Boo!

Time Travel…

If I could reverse time...

I would go back to the day you were born.

I would go to every day you smiled and showed me your baby blue eyes.

I would take that extra day off to be with you.

If I could erase time…

I would erase all the memories of you in pain.

I would erase all the memories I have with out you.

I would erase all the times my anger of your illness made me blind

for special uniqueness of life and love you brought to us.

If I could change the past…

I guess I wouldn’t.

Because you were brought here for a reason….

to be you…My Boo, an earthly angel of love, strength, courage and inspiration.

No matter the Time we spent together it was special to me, and forever will be.

My Boo…. Daddy Loves You!

A Celebration of Life!

We will be celebrating Carter’s life on Friday, December 11th @ 11am at Cherry Hills Community Church (www.chcc.org) and would love if everyone could attend. He has touched the lives of so many as many have touched ours as well. A reception with food and drink will follow. Thank you to Justin Spicer of Denver United Church for all that he has done….. www.denverunited.com   this will be the best celebration of life ever!

Tiny Angels

Tiny Angels
Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear….
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren’t here for very long….
Why is it, you couldn’t stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
“These things I do not know….
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so”.

I love you Boo so much… my heart aches more and more each day. I wish you were here!

Daddy!

My Little “Boo” You’ve Gained Your Wings 10/31/2006 - 12/6/2009

It is with a very sad and heavy heart that I am writing this post to you all today. Last night, around 5:30pm, my little angel “Boo” gained his wings. After a wonderful day of watching the Broncos kick Kansas City’s butt with my little buddy, Carter gave his winning exclamation cheer …”GO Broncos!” its the first time I heard Carter say this and say it so clearly. He too was excited to finally win a game in Kansas City in December. Shortly after the game and after Carter awoke from a little afternoon nap on my chest. We thought it was time for bath time.  “Bath”, “Bath” he kept saying, he loved to take a bath and it was the first time I had given him a bath in a long time since I am always working during the weeks. So after his bath we got cuddled up to watch his favorite Little Einsteins… he loved this particular episode… you know the one with Hansel & Gretel?  I can hear it right now… “Hansel Gretel don’t you worry, we are coming in a hurry”   he loved this episode so much the smile and excitement it brought to him made us laugh so hard!  After a few showings of this it was time for bed…. And as I went to put him down to bed…. he looked at me in the eyes and made a large grasp of air and then went limp…. As Deni was calling 911, I was trying to give him CPR, he came to once and I thought I was going to pull him out of what ever was happening to him.  Unfortunately what was happening to him was he was getting his calling to move on to do good and care and bring inspiration to a larger audience.  His I-Cell disease had weakened his small body, but not his soul, his mind nor his ability to bring so much joy to all that had known him.  I might be greedy, but I am having a hard time realizing he is gone and having a real hard time sharing him with all that need him. He was our entire world.  We cared for him night and day in return he brought a joy to us that we only wish others could have from their own children.  He was a courageous warrior who had strength of a million men and I only hope that in this time I can have a millionth of that strength, as we are now alone, in body, we will forever be bound by spirit.   Carter, please know that I will always love you and I can’t wait to meet you in heaven so I can finally hear you tell me that you love me too. You are forever missed.