Meet Carter

A few more weeks go by and I feel like a lifetime of change as come and gone and momentum lost and gained again, but still find myself lost trying frantically to reach the top of a falling rope ladder that has is just about to come loose from the side of the cliff. With each rung, I grasp….grasp…grasp….only to find myself amazingly no where near the top. (good news: it seems to be attached to something). Ninety days has come and gone since Boo left his world to go play in the garden of god or become a strong, persistent, “Koa” of a whale in the ocean or has found his soul resurrected in a new body here on earth to help spread joy and happiness to more… I just never, never, never will know. I like to think it has a little bit to do with all three so maybe that is what’s good for me to believe? You, know to help me reach the top of the falling ladder?

See the passing of a love one will do that to you, make you think, maybe make you think to much?  See i think it makes you think too much about yourself!  Let me tell you something there is a fiiiiine line to “learning” about yourself and “thinking” about yourself. I’ve done a lot of both… the problem with that is you sometime forget about others…sometime even about the one you are grieving for.

So over the last month I started to realize I learned a few things about myself  like…. I’m stronger than I thought, but much weaker than you think.     I really think that i could of been a pretty good car salesman, just at a different time in my life.      I miss my son and he was everything to me.         I was a great dad.  I surrounded myself with an amazing core of people, including my wife, family and friends (especially  my wife, who I would of fallen much harder if it wasn’t for her).

Also over the last month I thought about me a lot… here is what I thought and am thinking…. I think about what other people think too much.   I think that I might be loosing touch on who I am anymore because I think i don’t know what to do with my life with out my son.     I think I don’t know what the hell i am writing about half the time I write on this blog anymore? I think this is helping me? I think, I think, I think life would be much better if you didn’t think about yourself so much.

Hmmmmmmmmm……….Hmmmmmmmmmmm…….WOW………………..when I think about it….. I think I might have just made a little sense…… just a sec, let me think abou………. ooooohhhhh.. you know what I am trying to say!

So what to do when you don’t want to think any more?     Go out and get a new job and take a roadtrip!

Yea that’s right, I quit my job where self thinking was a job requirement and went back to what I know and can do well… mingle and be social, how do you do that, well through fine intervention (thanks Boo).  I found a new job managing at a very successful restaurant downtown, called Marlowe’s and am working with some old friends. It’s been a bit of a change, but all for the good and I am excited to have this wonderful opportunity.

So to celebrate, Deni and I decided to run off to San Francisco to see some old and very GOOD friends.  Deni got the chance to max and relax in a nice hotel with her good highschool friends, Alyssa and Simone… I on the other hand jetted across the bay to “Hang with the Hunter’s” Rachael, Jeff, James and of course “Little Lilly” it was a joy to hang out with them, I hadn’t seen them since shortly after Carter’s service and they are such very, very good people who always fill my life with well “life”   Hunter took me out on the town, and low and behold there was Jilly Mac and we watched us some great music, drank some beers and just let thoughts and time melt away, if only for a few days, it felt like an eternity. I just wanted to thank you all for hosting us both it was so much fun.   I wish i had some photos to post, but still one thing I haven’t been too hot on lately. I guess I don’t have much motivation to document this time in my life….at least not yet, but I think that will come soon.

With all good times, they must come to an end, and I’m not going to lie… coming back was hard, harder than it ever has coming back from a trip. I think there was some guilt and sorrow that brought me down a little harder…. but Im still working on that…until next time.

Remember…. Daddy and Mommyfizz love you Boo and misses you everyday!